Thursday, December 29, 2005

Who needs babies?

It seems everyone I know is pregnant. A good friend would be happy for them. Not me. I am jealous beyond belief. The green-eyed monster has a hold on me like you wouldn't believe. The other day we found out one of our friends is pregnant, and we saw her that same day. I didn't talk to her at all about it, didn't even congratulate her. I'm so terrible...

It's just hard when the only thing you want in the world is to have a baby. We've been trying for a year and a half with no luck. It's so hard, so disappointing, so frustrating. Our friends are good people, would be good parents and are deserving so I feel even worse that I'm not really happy for them. But we are good people, would be good parents and are deserving too...

Everyone who knows we're trying says that it will happen when the time is right, and I know that in my head, but my heart doesn't understand. So in the meantime, I'm separating myself from it. It is just too painful. Don't expect me to ask you questions about your pregnancy, gush over your growing belly, or go to your baby shower and really have a good time. If this makes me a terrible, selfish, self-centered person, I'm sorry. I just can't constantly be reminded of what I desperately want and can't have.

But I've come to a realization (maybe this is me trying to fool myself into thinking I don't really want babies, but whatever works...) I have 2 great dogs that I love and treat just like kids. I feed them, bathe them, teach them, take them to the doctor, play with them, hold them, cuddle them, and in return, they follow me everywhere I go and know Manuel and I as "Daddy" and "Mommy." They are wonderful and make me very happy, and really, isn't that what it's all about? Kids, dogs, whatever...

7 comments:

Nani said...

Oh sweetie. I pray this is your year. Love and hugs.

Seyeko said...

My mother always told me that when the timing's right, everything will work out for the best.

As usual, mothers are always right. I wish you two the best of luck in 06!

Anonymous said...

I know partially what you mean. While Corey and I aren't trying yet, it seems like EVERYONE is having kids! Two women I work with were both having problems getting pregnant (as they both had medical conditions which usually prevents it from happening). They tried for several years and even with "help" had problems. In 2004, one of them finally got pregnant (having twins - one boy one girl). The other got pregnant last year also having twins (two boys). My sister in law tried for 8 years before they were blessed with my nephew Elijah. My friend Cat, according to several doctors, was never going to be able to have kids without a serious operation to provide an opening for things to get through. Well despite all this, she had a boy the year before last (through c-section) and just told me she is pregnant again and due in July. The thing I've learned from all of these people when we do start trying is to relax and never lose hope! Things will happen when the timing is right.

KLF

MrManuel said...

I hope your right!! And thanks for commenting, I hope to hear(or read really) more from you in the future...

Mom said...

I just want to say I love you and I'm there for you guys! No matter what!

Anonymous said...

With all this praying,(I pray IN EARNEST about this), you could end up with twins or more, when it finally happens! And IT WILL HAPPEN, because God always answers our prayers. Then, look out!

cuzin Allison

p.s. I love my babies, I mean dogs, just as much!

Miss Sassy Pants said...

Wow... 3 years later and STILL no babies. THAT is fucked up.