First, I open with some hilarity before I bombard myself with a beat down. Yes, Mom it's true. Cassie has been sneaking around with me for the past three months. Our secret is finally out. She enjoys late night trips to Baskin Robbins and hanging out at Southside Park in downtown Sacramento. Hehehe. I could only be so lucky. Had to do that once just because your son told me what ya asked and it's just precious.
Now on to what this really is and I apologize cause this may have some explicit language. I might not write anything on here for a while cause I have a problem. I really lied to myself. I talk and talked all this bullshit on here and to other people in my life and I truly haven't progressed from the time I was 18 years old. I got to feel like that this past Sunday morning. I skipped my 10-year high school reunion. Why you ask? Well up until the actual event I had a ton of answers in my mind for you that all sounded great. Turns out I really didn't believe any of them.
I was just a pussy.
I couldn't get over myself. I said I didn't really care when it is so blatantly obvious that I did care. I was just too embarrassed about myself. I made up all the same excuses that I used when I was busy avoiding everything back when I was actually attending high school. I got to bring them all out again and use them for everyone to hear. I couldn't get over what I had become in my eyes. I honestly know that as I sit here today I think of myself as a failure and I didn't want to have to face that in front of all these people I grew up with. That said I realize that I didn't give any of them credit enough to know that no matter what I actually said or felt, I could have still enjoyed myself and got over that awkwardness in less than 5 minutes and they wouldn't have cared if I was a base jumper or not. Shout out to my brother for that joke and to Phil for carrying it out.
I think I have given myself a complex. I have no real official title for it, but it basically involves screwing myself over in order to make myself feel like I actually went through something tougher than it actually was. I call it looking for that defining moment to galvanize my journey in life. Rather than actually just letting it happen, I have been busying fucking my own life up simply by overthinking everything. So for that I missed a few laughs, a few dances, a few drinks, and a few faces that I won't see anytime soon. I got to be that ghost on the wall once again. I got to be that guy that wasn't in the pictures. And for what you ask? Cause I don't like the man I see in the mirror?
What I should have realized is that for one night I didn't have to be that guy. I just had to be honest and be ok with myself for once. Rather than using this night as some sort of false motivation. Trust me I know I have a lot more foundational problems that led to this debacle of a night, but it's a microcosm for the past 10 years. Protect myself from the outside world and it can't hurt me, right? Live in my fantasy world cause it's safer. NO. It's just sad. And lonely. I guess that's why I am a good poker player every now and then. I can even make myself believe my own bullshit.
I guess I just say this cause it will be my answer for the next week when I have to tell people why I didn't go. Vague answers are just cowardly and pathetic. I think all any of you can take from this is don't be like me. Don't be like Rich. Instant regret. Not a good thing to have deep down in your heart. This all doesn't make me a big man for admitting my own faults. It's just another thing to add to my list when I look in the mirror. Sadly, 99 percent of my reunion mates won't ever really know this or read this. And even if they did it really shouldn't make them care much at all. I just had to document this moment and feeling and admit it to myself. Cause just walking around with it in my head as some kind of secret would hurt a lot more than actually saying it. I am not sure where all this comes from. I don't know why I acted this way and how it all came back to me so easily. 6 hours of my life and I couldn't do it. To top my horrible Saturday off I even got the honor of losing 100 bucks to my friend Buddy cause Notre Dame decided to no-show this weekend against Michigan. So, how was your weekend everyone? Rhetorical people. Rabble Rock!
4 comments:
Don't be so hard on yourself. I have never gone to a reunion. I guess I'm just done with that part of my life and don't feel a need to revisit it. Nothing wrong with those who do, it just isn't for me.
I was disappointed you didn't go Rich, but not surprised. It just didn't seem like your kind of thing, but I know that "your thing" is something you are trying to get over. Although, if you were there, a certain buzzed person wouldn't have had to call you at 1230am wondering where you were.
And I wouldn't be embarassed about yourself. Hell, you HAVE a job right now! You even had fans there. Someone who reads, but rarely comments asked where the "Insightful MrVideoGuy" was.
I will make fun of you for Notre Dame losing though. Go Blue baby! That's what I'm talking about. We'll still lose to some crappy Big 10 team, but hey, we beat the Irish!
It could be worse!
My friend and I TRIED to go to our 10 year high school reunion. She paid for us and everything. It was supposed to be at the base. When we got there, there was no record of the event. When my friend called our former friend, (who received the money because she was organizing the event), she said it had been cancelled due to LACK OF INTEREST, and forgot to call us!!!!
RICH! I told you not to tell anyone damn!
Really though did you have to make me sound so young...I mean you could have at least upgraded it to Cold Stone c'mon. HAHA
It was funny when my mom first asked me...I was speechless.
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