I am going to make it all up by wrapping this all up very clearly.
I've been happy for three weeks. Then the wrecking ball comes through. I tired. I stopped being the friend that loves her and just tried to be the friend. I knew exactly what she wanted. I knew exactly why she wanted to get away. All I needed was a little feedback. NOPE!
"Do you know where you are going? Take me home. No cause you toss and turn and snore. Is my car okay?" Ya know what I am just going to be upset all day you might as well just take me home."
Then I got the pleasure of listening to your wonderful little argument.
Ya know what. Naw. I'm not going into detail on this shit. I am not the one to blame.
I have 90 bucks to last 2 weeks. I had to call in favors from two co-workers. I had to do the research of something you set in motion and wanted to do, but apparently didn't have to energy to get up and find out about it yourself. You wanted me to come in and make you forget it all existed for 24 hours and I can't do that with no money. Not in fucking San Francisco on a Saturday at 9 pm. When you were the one who went to sleep and shut it down.
You ran away. I made the sacrifice and all I got was my balls cut off in the process. I played a horrible basketball game tonight cause I just had poison running through my veins all weekend.
I feel all those bad things you aren't suppose to feel after seeing someone. I was happy to see you and even happier to see you go.
Not that they measure up on that scale of beauty, but I can list the 4 women I had to say no to because I had to. HAD TO cause I ain't that guy. I ain't that cheating kinda guy, even if it's just my heart and own beliefs that I'd be cheating on. I have one girl sending me pictures by phone. I got one girl visiting from Arkansas basically giving me the slide into home sign. I got another inviting me to Santa Cruz. All this morale fiber didn't mean shit. I had one girl sleep in my bed and I curled up in a fucking fetal position so as to not do anything with this woman. AND I am the one who gets the, "honestly I don't know why I bother?" Fucking really!
Ya know what? I find no satisfaction in this outrage. My commentary is unnecessary. It's not making me feel better. And if I have to listen to any one tell me what a good guy I am then I'm going to punch my walls.
I can actually feel the moment now. I don't even want to go tomorrow. I dislike that "awe shucks" look I get from people when I find myself spilling anything out. It's like well if you didn't want a reaction then why would you write about it dummy?
Simply I made this promise to this lil countdown to chronicle the days leading up to something. To monitor my behavior and my lifestyle in order to find some answers to lil things I think I need to know. So, I stick with honesty and being an open book.
I don't get it. I have nothing to draw upon to make it all make sense to me. Prior to said weekend incident I was still confessing my jealousy. I was still getting kicked in the nuts for having feelings. Then you came to me? You really could have just done it yourself. But no you gotta be sucha a girl about it and be afraid of fucking things when you know where you are going and why you are going? Idle threats. I hope I helped you to finally make this whole situation blow up. You have been living with a fucked up situation since you were a teenager and all I tried to do was make you realize there is always a fucking choice in life. Much like for me. I could have ignored to texts. I could have just not called. But I care. I do want better for you and I do want to help. You are just one stubborn lil girl I tell you what.
Even now in a posting you will never read I can't write the words down. No balls I tell you.
Why is it the first person to make me feel like I was something is also the same person who can make me believe I ain't shit?
My advice people? Don't stay at the Ramada limited off 7th street in San Francisco.
Don't take a girl to Fisherman's warf when she says that where she wants to go, cause once you are a mile away she will tell you to go home. After sleeping for 10 hours don't go take a shower and make too much noise. Oh and fuck being a friend to someone who is in need when they ask for it cause there is no point. All ya end up with is less money and another fucking memory nugget for the future of "no having a girl in my life ever" I am leading up to. All comments will not be read after I post this cause right now I don't care if you care. I don't care what you say.
Rabble Rock.
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